Change can overwhelm our nervous system. Sometimes we hold onto to people or situations because we fear the change. The change of dynamics can feel like a loss when in fact it is growth. Change forces us to grow outside our comfort zone. This can be extremely uncomfortable and create a feeling of loss. Look within and ask the hard questions… was it a loss? Or was it never meant to be a forever, just a part of you that needed to grow?

Change is hard… but sometimes necessary ❤️

Damage can make us see a new type of beauty ❤️

Life is so incredibly beautiful once we understand that throughout our lives we will experience opposites. For we can’t have joy without first experiencing sadness, love without loss, happiness without sadness, wisdom without failure. The trick to life is simple, yet painfully challenging. We must learn to let ALL that life has to offer, flow through us. To grow from it, to learn the offerings so we can appreciate the little things… sunrises, sunsets, and everything between that, each and every day.

Let life flow naturally. Like the tide… in with the new, out with the old.

Don’t get trapped in the under-toe. That’s when we get stuck and drown.

Peace, Love, and Light my friends!

I gave you, my heart. I trusted you. I trusted you with my heart. That was where I went wrong.

I was at my lowest and you saw that. Like a predator. You pounced.

Trust and love must go hand in hand. The problem is, without boundaries you end up giving the person you love your entire soul. You change. You allow situations that you never would normally allow.

My soul, the core essence of who I am has been compromised by loving you. It is so sad that you can never see this, for you are different. You are you, as you always say. Yet, that you that you are… it a thorn. I have never met anyone that can have such disregard for another’s emotions.

It was like a game you played with me. A dangerous game that you were proud to win.

From the start you studied me. Letting me chat away telling you about who I am, my beliefs, my fears, my life. Little did I know that ALL this would someday come to haunt me. Make me question who I am, if I was good enough as a human, pretty enough, lovable.

You hid me from your friends and family, from random people in public anywhere close to where you go, blocked me from all social media so you could search for better, call me names like: crazy, insecure, a stalker, told me I should cover my body because no one should see it, a horrible lover, bitch, and sooooo much more. Yelling in my face, telling me to leave, that helping me never pays off. My gosh how much emotional and mental abuse can a human take!

No. I have never met anyone like you, and I pray I never do again.

You see, I allowed all this and more. You are the dark to my light. It was as if you needed to smudge my light out so I would never see who you really are.

The thing is… all masks do come off eventually. Mine finally did. The mask that I created to blind myself from who you really are.

To think I carried so much love for you and was a willing participant in this game you started with me. Telling me how you care and carry so much love for me. That we have had so many special moments. Saying good morning and good night every day. Sending pictures of yourself to keep me connected. Giving me hope, when in fact, you never had any intentions of making this work. Oh, what a willing participant I was in your abuse. All because of my own feelings for you and the constant manipulation you shoved on me.

When I left and asked if you were happy, you said your life hasn’t really changed. That you just want to start learning how to live your life again, I never realized what that truly meant. Collecting women on social media, reaching out just enough to keep me around. You wanted to be friends as you continuously searched for someone else. Ignoring my pleas as to what you were doing that was literally killing my soul. Never allowing me to share my feelings or emotions without the punishment of being blocked, ridiculed or ghosted. 

I have been gone a few months now. Left the most beautiful state I wanted to call home. It was so incredibly hard to leave. I didn’t want to. Somewhere though, I knew I had to leave in order to sever the silent abuse you inflict on me.

I didn’t have a choice anymore. Not at all. I was to lost.

Yet leaving has giving me the time I needed to see your true colors. Time to break the abuse cycle and reflect what really was happening.

The monster you truly are.

I thought you were special. Different. My person.

I was so lonely, lost and confused as to what was happening to me. It was the most  incredible painful slow death of me. You knew what you were doing. So careful with your words and actions. Giving just enough to keep the cord tied between us. Keeping me confused as to what we were and why you didn’t involve me in your life. Gaslighting me, hoovering me, throwing me in and out like a yo-yo, knowing just exactly how to get me back each and every time, simply because I trusted you wanted to know me. Yet, you were studying me on how to conquer me.

Destroy me.

Here is the thing….

I am awake now. I see you for who you are. There was never anything special between us. It was my love that made it special. A love that I never should have had. Not a love you should ever  have had access to.

So today, I let you go. I let all the insecurities you created, all the fears you were just fine with creating in me, all the jealousy you planted in my heart and soul, all the names you called me that I somehow believed, all the lies you told me that I wanted to believe, all the body shaming, all the hiding me away as you cheated. Today, they are gone.

Today, I see YOU. You are no one special. You are not a friend, for a friend would NEVER treat another person the way you treated me. Not a lover, for who would want to feel this way forever.

I know who you are now. I see you for exactly who you are.

You are you.

DARKNESS.

A lost soul.

Goodbye

Today… I claim my self love back.

Changing ME!

As I sit here quietly, pondering my life and all the decisions I have been faced with this year. Whether to return to where my family, travel more or take a chance at love and stay in one spot, I have realized how far I truly have come over my life journey. Yet, is it all meant to be? Are the decisions I have made truly part of the bigger picture? I have been lost for so long in life and who I am that I completely forgot to stop and really look at the paths that cross in front of me and really see the gifts that have been offered. 

I have been offered a chance to experience love, not a forever love, but true genuine love. Love of humans, love of travel, love of love. Just pure love and all that goes with it; fear, rejection, insecurities, happiness, comfort, friends, new sites and new beginning’s. 

Life is such a beautiful and hard adventure! Here I sit in the complete opposite lifestyle than I have had the passed two years. Sitting in a box with fake air and a mask for 8 ½ hours a day, walls not designed to enjoy the beauty of nature. Nowhere to run. Alone. Entirely alone. As I drove here, a song came on the radio, and it resonated so deep in my core. You see music is a story. We have our favorite songs because they are relatable to our current situations. The words either empower us, validate us or heal us. 

The song? Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. It goes like this…

I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken… I just want you to understand. Can’t fight the tears that aint coming, all the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies… ya just bleed to know your alive. And I don’t want the world to see me because I don’t think they’d understand. 

What a reality check for me! Here I am going against all that I believe that keeps me sane. I am going against the deepest part of my soul that makes me, my authentic true self. I am made to wonder! I am made to explore! I am made to be alone! 

Here is some truth about me, maybe you can relate? Perhaps. Maybe if you truly look within and just know…. It IS ok to be you! 

I have conformed so far away from myself this past year. I took a chance at love. I stopped traveling to see what love had to offer me at this point in my life. You see… I love all humans. I just don’t trust them with my heart. We live in a world where if we don’t like something, we replace it, throw it away. We don’t try to fix it, change our thinking, grow, learn from it… we just replace it. I often wonder how our older generation sees us. The generation that understands what it is like to go without, to have to fight battles together, to fight to stay together. Now, do NOT misunderstand… sometimes you need to let go for your own mental health. Emotional abuse and physical abuse are power! I believe more so today though than ever. 

I have been a nomadic person for as long as I can remember. I can talk myself out of, or into, everything and anything. I follow my heart, if it’s something I feel that feeds my soul…depending on how it is fed.  Yet I am always alone. You see I understand the words “I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think they’d understand”. I know I am different. I see life different, I feel different ( I feel everything), I see and feel energy around me. Some think I am crazy, others feel I am a gift. Neither are true. I am ME. I am different, we are all different. In a world that feels upside down… wearing masks, fearing sickness, coin shortages, shots being pushed in order to keep jobs, anger, so much anger, rights feeling violated, mental health exploding, so many job openings everywhere, drastic weather changes, the list can go on and on! It is hard to know how to navigate.

Maybe many of you have not wanted the world to see you because you felt no one would understand! In a way, the world did turn upside down and now we are begging, yearning, needing to be seen, feeling lost, afraid, unloved, replaceable, unheard! Did we conform to a world that allowed us to live outside our means and then have to work ourselves in a forever cycle of “catch up”, or maybe the price of housing and food, love (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) became impossible to attain because of the stresses among our everyday lives.! I honestly do not know.  I do not know when, why or how the world’s energy changed. I just know it has. I feel it! We are in a crisis of needs.

I for one, feel more disconnected to people than ever before. I feel lost, alone, trapped. I am in this world trying to find my tribe of people that see life the way I do. I have been afraid to be seen for who I truly am. Afraid of being judged, rejected, thought of as crazy, seen as over sensitive, to emotional, unlovable, to high of expectations, to open, to needy…. And on and on! I have been told /shown these words over and over which changed my perception of what is “Normal, Acceptable ”. I decided to hide who I am, not wanting the world to see me.

Guess what? SCREW THAT! 

No more hiding! No more allowing others to tell me how I “should” be, what I should feel, think or act like, no more listening to their harsh judgment! No more listening to their words of destruction to my soul. I am ME! I won’t hide anymore! I will walk proud of who I am! I will not allow those that cannot appreciate who I am, just as I am… to disrupt my life anymore… you simply will just not have the opportunity to be apart of my life journey. When I started this journey, I left everything to learn about myself and grow as a human. I have worked hard on becoming my best self (at this moment in time). To undo the very real and very destructive belief systems I have carried with me my entire life, through abuse. I am learning to trust myself! To LOVE myself!! To no longer allow abuse/fear tactics to control me and lead my life. I AM HERE TO GROW AND LOVE! If you are not… and cannot appreciate self-growth… then you may peak from the outside, however you may not hold a space to be in my life. That is reserved for my tribe. 

I am ready! I am sharing this in complete vulnerability, love, and respect. I don’t think I am alone. I am here….I am a tribe of one… for now.  I see you. I know you. I am here. You are not alone.

I DIDN’T want the world to see me, because I DIDN’T think they would understand. 

Now…. I understand…. I am me, I am LOVE. I am just fine! I am growing, learning and it is HARD… but I am ME. I am ENOUGH. 

I am learning…to be seen. 

Peace, Love and Light my beautiful friends, 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE… SHINE! 

Nomadic Soul Seeker

Heart or Head.. What to Trust

We don’t choose who we love. It’s a chemistry that is either there or it isn’t. Perhaps it is a person we are familiar with that we have met in another lifetime, perhaps it is the person that is there to teach us a greater lesson… preparing us for the next person, perhaps we read it wrong entirely and they were meant to offer us another type of love we didn’t know of. No matter the reason… love is hard. It is vulnerable. It is why it hurts at times. It is a person that we hold to a higher regard with our heart. A person we trust to protect us from all and be there to hold us through the hard times life throws at us. They are truly the ones that can hurt us the most. Simply because we love them.

Our heart wants what the heart wants. However, we choose who stays, based on how they affect our life. How we treat each other. How our love language is received. How we love them. We choose what we can and cannot handle. We choose to learn or not from the relationship we form. How hard to fight for it. We choose what that looks to our soul. How its fed. We choose how we feed another person’s needs, fears, insecurities, love. All are based on where that love is in our souls and our experiences that changed how we receive and give love.

If we are not willing to look at our past and how it plays into our future, then how do we grow? How do we change? How do we let love in? 

Everything is a choice! Everything but…. Who we love. 

I am not talking about a general love for people. This love… you know the kind… it is a deeper connection. Familiar. Stronger. 

As we walk into love, we are aware of the feeling… it can terrify us, excite us, humble us, calm us, offer us something that no one else seems to be able to offer. It can strip us to our core as we humbly show our true self. The self not many are allowed to see. We trust that person enough to open our fears, to reveal our darkest selves. Our pains from the past, our insecurities, our jealousies, our true selves. Leaving our heart and its safety left in the hands of the one that our heart chose. 

That is A LOT of trust! Trust of self, trust in the person we share our time, our bed, our secrets, our life, our flaws, our insecurities, our thoughts but above all our beliefs in how we view love. 

I have always struggled to trust others, but more so… to trust, myself. To trust another human to love me for… me. To understand my past and ALL the tremendous triggers brought up that need healing. I am a lot! I have spent years trying to undo and disrupt the pattern beliefs that I came to understand as love. What love looks like through my lens. I have always loved people, in general, as a whole. My struggle has been to trust people with my heart. I am human. I am me. To lead with my head has never been a strong area, my heart has always led. Giving multiple chances to people I chose to have in my life that I knew were not healthy for my growth. This has stunted my growth in having a deeper connection, in love and allowing a natural trusting flow. I have always felt that I needed to change to be loved. To change my beliefs and life. To fight for a relationship even though my mind knew it was not conducive to my own needs to grow and live more authentically. I have been ashamed of my needs and thoughts of what love would look in order to fully embrace a relationship. A deep connection with another soul. 

You see, we all have our needs and beliefs that have been created from birth. Every step of our life has been set up to conform to everyone else’s needs! We set boundaries of protection through these beliefs. We change who we are to “fit” into someone else’s life, whether due to fears of losing them, fears we wouldn’t be loved, thought of as crazy or unrealistic, to needy, to this, that or the other! We end up becoming further from our true self and further from loving ourselves unconditionally for who we are in this moment in time. Growth is hard! It takes time and unwiring our brains through positive encounters in how/what we perceived to be “normal”.

What the hell is normal? Who is normal? We ALL have our shit!  We attach to people and put so much emphasis on what/how they “see” from their perspective of “normal behavior”. This shuts us down and forces us to conform to “other” beliefs that are not truly helping us grow and change to who we truly are in our own souls! Sure, it gives us another perspective, great! It is always a good idea to see through each other’s perspective because we get a chance to see how they “perceive” love! This does not however make it the right path! It is a perspective from THEIR life experiences! NOT YOURS! Does that mean however that they have their shit together so much that their way is the right way? Why? Because their way is right for them? Perhaps “their way” is right for them, because that is their “learned way”, but that most certainly does NOT mean that their experiences, that led them to their believes, is right for YOU! Change yourself to see what is right and wrong because they will see YOUR beliefs as wrong? 

I call bullshit! We MUST see each other’s belief systems as individual life experiences that made them… well…. THEM! We must be open and honest with ourselves to see if BOTH are willing to see where growth is needed to be our best selves. 

Through my eyes… love is helping each other through difficult past experiences that have led us to our/their personal beliefs! Let’s say trust is an issue; you cannot simply tell someone to trust, that you are honest, that if you can’t trust me then you can’t be in my life! Trust is EARNED! You show them trust. You allow them a free open space to grow, talk, share their stories so you can see their perspective, communicate what needs need to be met for a SAFE PLACE to grow and build trust, you openly share your world to show them who you are, your beliefs, your actions. It is a process over time. Many think it is a violation of personal boundaries to open their entire world to the person they love. WHAT THE HECK! If you don’t open your thoughts, life, people, past, fears etc. then how is trust built? Think about it for a minute. Do you expect someone to trust you when you have offered nothing in opening up? TRUST IS EARNED period. It is being vulnerable and proving you are worthy of trust. We don’t grab a random stranger to care for our children. We investigate, interview, do background checks, follow up on references, put cameras in our homes to watch… we do sooooo much to protect and provide safety to those we treasure! Why wouldn’t we do the same for ourselves? Our heart? There is where you will learn to trust…. By trusting YOURSELF! It’s time to trust yourself both in mind and heart and guard your own wellbeing, you know your needs. If someone can’t help you heal, they’ve done their part in your life. Let go. Trust yourself first. The lesson is already learned. 

Peace, Love and Light Friends

Nomadic Soul Seeker

Ready and proud to wear all this! ❤️ such a SMALL thing to do in this world today. If it might help even in the remotely smallest of ways, to help keep the people I love safe… HECK YA I’ll do it!! ANY FREAKING DAY!! ❤️ no problem AT ALL for this girl! 🤪 I’ll rock it!

• 

When someone comes into your life and blesses you with growth and new tools to grow, it can be a bitter/sweet experience. What I mean by this, is that sometimes we needed the experience for growth in areas that we needed to learn, because we can read about self-growth, but like everything… we need to practice it and try it out. Growth and lessons are beautiful, but can be painful at the same time. Humbling in fact. It is all part of growing in this amazing journey called life.

I have been reminded of this in a recent journey.  The old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is true, however, I have come to learn that words support actions and open lines of communication.

When we start to have relations with someone (anyone… friend, family, coworkers etc.) we need to stop and listen to what they tell you. Now, that being said, actions are just as important. You truly need both for the full picture of a person and full understanding of what is needed or where things go. Words are nice but they are just words. If the actions do not match those words, then there are problems that you need to look into. Actions are incredibly valuable but they also need to be supported with words. BOTH are vital. Communication takes words, actions support the communication for understanding. It shows you that what is said is true and being heard and the person is willing to support that through actions.

I had been in a relationship that was all words and no action. I use to say that I needed actions not just words. WELL…. Now I have experienced all actions and lack of words.  Let me tell you what… It is wonderful… but damn, if a person cannot communicate, then actions only go so far. It also must be a mutual understanding and effort on both sides.

I feel so lucky to have obtained these experiences! I honestly had never realized how important words are to me! Imagine never being told to your face that you are attractive in your persons eyes, or valued, appreciated, loved, wanted, desired, what their needs are in a relationship, what their triggers are from past experiences. What their boundaries are, what they feel towards you… you get the gist. Yes, you can “feel” they care by things they may do, “think” they find you attractive by the way they look at you, “think” they are upset by the way they get short with you etc., but to not have that line of communication open to support their thoughts and their actions?? WEW, that’s a hard one for me personally to navigate through. I mean, if actions speak louder than words… yet words are needed for open communication and understanding, then personally, I must have both.

Not only that, but if you openly communicate your thoughts, needs, boundaries and their actions shut you down with only words communicating back, then that my friends, is a MUCH larger problem! So is being shown actions, yet their words are telling you something different. For example…. showing love, but their words are telling you they are not ready! UGG… what a confusing way to live! NO…. BOTH words and actions TOGETHER equate to a healthy, loving, secure relationship or work environment. Do not settle for less!

Point being… life, relationships, jobs etc. are so very difficult if words and actions are not both present. We cannot change or force people to listen or act…. But we can walk away when we see there are larger problems right from the first few months of meeting someone special, starting a new job, or meeting new friends. We do not have time to wait for people to grow, to meet us where we ourselves had to go through the shit to learn and grow! Wish them the best and maybe paths will cross again down the road…. Or maybe you wont. Let the Universe decide that. Just do NOT waste time waiting for anyone that is not ready to match your needs or does not see where they need to grow. That will most certainly block your personal growth or put you at risk to have to relearn what you know. That is not your job, nor will it center your energy in life. Words are needed for communicating, actions are needed to support words…both need to be present for understanding.

 Self Love people! Keep on growing! Find the person on the same growth path. Life is to short to wait for someone that has not learned how to communicate and give action!

Peace, Love and Light

Nomadic Soul Seeker

People cross our paths daily. The old saying, people come into our lives for three reasons: A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime… is SO very true!

 Every time we step out of our place that shields us from the world, we will cross paths with people. Some seek us out. Some happen upon us in the strangest of ways.

Our paths are formed by the Universe (or God, Buddha, whatever high powers you believe in… its all a guide) and we must not ignore those signs when we are given them. Whether it be walking around, a quick stop to take a picture, a scenic place, or at a thrift store, wherever and whenever, … if we just listen, we will gain what the greater purpose is. When people talk to you… they need to be heard. There is something profound either in what you need to know, or what they need to know from you. It is never a coincidence. It is our life path with purpose. A love and need for or from another human. Do not ignore it. EMBRACE IT.

I often have many random strangers cross my life path. Always have. Some offer me knowledge and growth; others need something from me that they themselves need (usually unbeknownst to me (even them) at the meeting what that is, yet time always offer the answer).  Sometimes, it’s a two-way growth. One where we each needed to learn and grow from each other! I never question the meeting but I often question the needs. It is so hard to stop everything to listen to a stranger, to just stop and listen. It is challenging to open our hearts for a moment to just FEEL.  The fear of getting hurt, offering to much information, offending someone, or just flat out not wanting to allow anyone in our life that has not been in it for years, and they seem “different” often stand in our way of getting to know someone new. We have become so busy and so disconnected from those we share this world with. We have been trained and have conformed to only live for what adds to our own lives, and have created such a small circle we keep close. Yet, so often we miss the beauty (and hardship) that teaches us the greatest lessons… to love and listen and ask questions… to stop and KNOW that at that very moment that we cross paths has VALUE…  whether a gift of knowledge, or a gift of giving knowledge, a new perspective… OR just a smile, a compliment or hello that someone needed at that very moment. Everything we experience in life is a gift, a take-away, but we need to listen, reflect, and be present. We need to FEEL FOR EACH OTHER.

I become overwhelmed by people’s energy. Crowds make me feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, cause severe anxiety. The vibrations we send out into the world can be loud/noisy/ painful…therefore I try to stay away from those environments. I find nature and water to be my solstice of calm and comfort. My foundation to reenergize when I am empty. That being said… I always make room/time to embrace a moment that paths are crossed. Yes, sometimes I get hurt. We ALL get hurt at some points in life. If we do not feel pain, sadness, fear etc. then how are we to appreciate the joy, happiness and excitement life offers? How do we grow to understand each other if we cannot stop to listen to each other, appreciate other people’s views, hardships, and passions? LEARN from one another? I do NOT have all the answers, very few answers do I have in fact. What I do know is this…. I have met some of the MOST BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, AMAZING people on this life journey! I have also experienced, heartache, fear, depression, loss, and a profound diversity for LIFE!

You see my beautiful friends… life is about living, loving and listening….NOT judging, conforming or trying to change people to believe what we think they should believe. Its that very diversity that makes us all so special and unique and perfect in our own ways. We cannot life our best lives, love from our deepest hearts, or face our demons that rule our moments if we don’t open ourselves up to each other. We risk our hearts getting hurt, yet we also gain knowledge and new strength from it as well. It equates to growth anyway it spins. Growth is empowering and knowledge to be better humans.

Now.. this being said, choose wisely who we let become our personal tribe. Those that we allow to become our “forever people”… some lessons can be harsh, yet necessary. This does not mean the are meant to be in our lives long term… but perhaps for a moment to teach us… teach us what we don’t want or need, enlighten us to see a different perspective however small, perhaps to simply show us that what we are going through is not so terrible, or even to allow us to embrace a belief we were trained from birth to believe that maybe needed to be altered. Still, LOVE EVERYONE. We can love each other but still not allow them in our ”forever sanctuary”! Stop and listen. Be there for each other; hear different sides because THAT is LIVING and LEARNING and GROWING. That is HOW we LOVE. THAT IS HOW WE GROW to be the BEST humans we can be!

You truly NEVER do know whose lives you are changing or who will change yours. Life is a beautiful journey of many lessons and growing moments. However insignificant they may seem in that minute…. It will come full circle as to WHY you crossed paths.

Perhaps this is why we as a Nation are struggling? We stopped listening and loving others for their beliefs… we stopped our own opening to our life journey.. I do not know, but it certainly is something to explore by asking yourself!

EMBRACE THE MOMENT!

Peace, Love and Light friends!

Nomadic Soul Seeker

• 

HUMANS

We are all people. We all have our baggage, scars, fears, and boundaries.

We are who we are based on our own experiences. Each human unique to how we process and move forward in life’s situations. We judge others, have different thoughts or ways of dealing with these life events that are continuously thrown at us. We all react in ways that are right for us…. At least in the moment.

As time moves forward we grow, or sometimes we move backward. It is all how we see the “car accident”, depending on our own experiences.

I was walking the beach the other day in Maine. I search for heart shaped rocks. It is a way for ME to find love in a world I constantly seem to get lost in. I feel I finally find my ground, my way, when out of no where another experience happens where I need to look hard at myself, react to situations I am perhaps not ready to, OR, perhaps I am but didn’t have enough confidence in myself. It truly is a constant battle. One I am certain there is no winning or loosing at. Just lessons, some harder than others. Growth.

So, as I am walking, I find a group of snail shells and I couldn’t help but see humans. All bunched together in this thing called life. All of us, in the same world. We are all different. We each have scars that show, some are hidden behind smiles, behind fears, behind our personal knowledge of what has happened to ourselves individually.

As I started really looking closely at these shells I had an epiphany. I saw humans, because each single shell is different. Some are large, others small, all different shapes and colors, all have scars. Some show others are hidden.  All have their own uniqueness. Each shell showing their true scar, colors, individuality, yet each bunched together trying to get through situations. Each trying to find where they truly belong.

Look at them closely. They are all beautiful! Each and every one. Like humans!  We all see each other and try to find the ones that are familiar, safe, wanted, accepted.

My question is to you…. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways. We all have our scars, fears, interests, pasts. Each and EVERY one of us. Why is it we cant just love each other for our own selves? Why is it so easy for us to judge and hate others and never look inward on what we can work on… in how we see each other? Cant we just love each other for who we are? Treat each other as if we were each others growing moment? There is SO much to learn from each other!

What a beautifully different world it would be if we just could find the things we relate to in each other and love the differences and grow from each other’s experiences. See things from a different view of that “car accident” we call life. We never know whose lives we change in that one moment in time.

I have met an individual… that truly helped me when I needed help. This human, made me see life from a different view. This person changed me. I am forever grateful for that experience. A stepping-stone to growing for sure. I thank you, from every ounce of my being. Perhaps we may never talk or see each other again, but I do know this…. My experiences with this human, has made me rethink how I felt. I see a view I had not seen. Just like the shells. We are all damaged and have needs, we are all unique… but we must be true to who we are and be loved for that. Let love in… however it is offered. JUST LOVE!

Let us all try to see the beauty in each other… because come on… we ALL have flaws we hide or try to hide. Make a choice… see the good in everyone and lets stop being afraid to love ourselves AND each other! Shine your beautiful self!

 Peace, Love and Light friends. 

Nomadic Soul Seeker.

It is so interesting traveling with Covid19 out here. So many states have different thoughts about this virus… it is quite terrifying. States are all in different phases and each phase seems to entail different rules! Top this off with which states /areas you need to stay away from because of riots and pissed off people. Campgrounds are at 50% capacity and many have higher rates to make up for loss of cash. People seem off, angry, confused, and afraid… OR don’t care, don’t believe, they feel invincible and have rights beyond what they actually do . What a crazy world we have entered.

I myself…. Am afraid. I am afraid of people right now. I am afraid for the United States and what we are becoming. I am afraid people are dismissing those that have lost their life in this battle.  I am afraid of the anger I feel around me, the energy changed in mankind. I believe the pendulum is swinging out of control. We are losing our focus for kindness. What is happening is harsh! You see…. I get to see so many different aspects/viewpoints as I travel through different areas, not on the news, not from a small area ..but in person. I am AFRAID.

I wonder if we are at a pivotal moment in time where we should be embracing each other and loving deeper and stronger instead of being the ones that start conversations that create anger. It surrounds us on T.V., around listening to others and their bantering about this, that and the other that is wrong or questionable. We are fueling this anger and fear!

I have found myself a bit lost. Alone. Lonely…. For human love and kindness. I find myself not knowing which way to travel…each direction having growth and effort in learning about me and growing (all directions being hard ones to confront). This journey… damn it is truly hard and humbling. I have seen the worst in me and the best in me and all sorts of wishy washy middle ground. Yet, I AM growing. I find myself discovering new situations and feelings, new passions, new challenges. I love this journey for sure…. Never ever did I realize how HARD it truly is to change your brain from abuse, toxic people, boundaries, trusting yourself and finding light through all the shit! I’ve learned WHAT and WHY we have boundaries and that YOUR boundaries are ok… they are YOURS and they are there for YOUR protection. When you allow someone to push you back and walk through your boundaries, your are causing so much self-harm. You do not trust yourself or your boundaries. Allowing others to alter your self-esteem., your thoughts, your beliefs.  I am learning to walk away from situations that cause self-damage. To look past what my brain says and listen to my heart and gut. To speak up when I feel hurt, violated, afraid, concerned, or threatened in being me. I have learned that I did not in fact love myself, even when I thought I did. I was stuck. I now apply my new knowledge, yet still having along long ways to go, and trust myself. If I truly had listen to my gut instinct, I would have avoided so much pain and so many awkward moments.

I implore you…. Look deep within yourself and start making changes. Listen to yourself. Love yourself.

Let’s be the change for good… NOT this change that is happening in the United States. Lets all reevaluate what love is and what we have to give to each other.  Lets stop the crazy that is happening. Love is always living… hate is always death.

Peace, Love and Light friends! May you all be safe and understand our own boundaries…. Find your own road to healing J

Nomadic Soul Seeker

 

Finding peace in this covid19 world…

Nature and animals have become my new closest friends. I am mesmerized by their beauty and trust. I feel more connected to earth and all it has to offer than ever before and have managed to have moments that I am certain would never have been possible without this virus.

I find the silence peaceful and calming to my soul. I am embracing being alone and listening to a world that is so much quieter… yet louder; birds chirp louder, animals talk, trees become alive with their rustling, wind howls, thunder and lightning come alive, it is the most beautiful sounds of life!  The earth is more alive than ever and my soul is healing from all the prior noise.

I am calm.

I am content.

I am happy.

I am at peace.

Sure there is loneliness, but I was lonelier at times  around certain people.

Now… I am alive and truly connected with earth in a powerful light.

I am grateful for this time of reflection and caution. I believe the greatest growth is when you have to sit in your shit and reflect…. Embrace it, learn from it and release it.

Peace, love and light friends.

Enjoy the moment… you may very well never has this time again.

 THE STRUGGLE

As we all sit in our homes trying to adjust to a world that changed so quickly, leaving us stir crazy, we must look deeply into our own souls.

I have been trying to discover my true self. What my needs are, what my must haves are and my absolute won’t have in my life are.

I have discovered that to love myself, I cannot allow people around me that make me question my boundaries and myself. You see, recently I discovered my main top MUST HAVE!

TRUST!!!!

Without trust EVERYTHING goes to shit. To lie to someone that cares for you or you for them, shows the ultimate disrespect and betrayal. You steal any bond or further chance to evolve with that person because they have shared their true inner self. They cannot be trusted. They have robbed you of peace of mind. Left you questioning every little thing in that relationship.

A LIE:

Flat out telling someone something that is not true.

Omitting parts or all of a truth.

Hiding something that happened or is happening.

A lie destroys relationships, leaving the victim of your abuse left empty, confused, angry, sad, unloved, and never believing in you again. It is unfixable. It is a horrible way to treat a person you love. It is in fact…. NOT LOVE….

Never allow someone that can lie to you to stay in your life. Make this your number one boundary because if they cross it… they do not care for you. Do not let them convince you they love you…they will have every excuse as to WHY they lied, but there are absolutely NO EXCUSES.! They are showing you who they are… believe them. Their actions have SHOWN you. There is no reason to stay, once a liar, forever a liar.

Trust yourself. Trust your gut. If it feels wrong…it is. We are born with an amazing sense of what we feel, it is our gut instincts warning us. When we ignore that, we will most definitely get hurt. We must trust our intuition…We must love ourselves and trust ourselves so that we protect our souls. The more exposure to negative in our lives the more we slowly damage our own happiness. It is hard to pick ourselves up after we have been abused through lies because it changes our brain and heart. It makes us question ourselves and doubt ourselves…. But DON’T.

Learn from the relationship and chalk it up to this:

Love is opening your soul to another and becoming vulnerable to enhance a closeness…if they lie, they are telling you flat out they do not cherish your soul or heart. GET RID OF them IMMEDIATELY, no second chances. Love yourself and trust yourself… not them.

My boundary is real, it is the center of any and all relationships. I recently learned it is my number one boundary. I will love myself better and trust myself.

IT WAS A HARD LESSON.  IT HURT. I will walk away stronger.

Thank you for the lies….I GREW.

I found a soul that caused me harm. One I opened my heart and soul to. I’m sorry you have nothing left to offer me now. You showed me how you love….

I love myself more than you.

Peace and light loves.

Believe in your gut J it is ALWAYS right.

Nomadic Soul Seeker

TODAY…I feel

My definition…Crazy:

Being your TRUE self.

We all are our own kind of crazy! We all have things to work on in our inner selves, quirks that make us different from others, insecurities, dreams, baggage, problems, styles, fears, favorite things, places and people, we all have our boundaries to self protect, we all are capable of greatness. We are all our own CRAZY.

I embrace my crazy. I love my crazy. I will not allow anyone in that does not love my crazy. I will still love you as humans but I will protect myself from you changing or damaging my crazy.

I worked hard to understand my crazy. My crazy is who I am, who I became through my life experiences. My crazy is me, I am my crazy. I am constantly changing, growing, learning. YES, I am crazy…my crazy.

It is your CHOICE to love my crazy…. Or not love my crazy.

Do not be upset however, if I don’t feel you appreciate or respect my crazy, and let you go. I will not allow you to destroy or harm my crazy, because I love my crazy…. IT IS WHO I AM. I worked HARD to get here! I am STILL working on loving my crazy. You may not take me backwards, yet feel free to ADD to my forward (in a positive way).

We ALL need to accept our crazy and shine bright!

Release (but still love) those that don’t cherish your crazy!

Our individual crazy… should be loved, cherished, respected.

Release those that don’t.

Embrace, Love, and accept those that are your kind of crazy… they are your tribe! They too will LOVE your crazy. It is there that you find peace, acceptance and love. Self love of your own crazy 🙂

Peace, Love and Light Friends… SHINE YOUR CRAZY!

The Day the World Changes

This is a moment in life we see ourselves more clearly. We may not like what we find, but the real fact is…. This moment we are living in… with quarantines, loneliness, lack of human contact, socialization, and just flat out boredom, is making us confront our true human souls.

I for one, have never felt this type of loneliness. It has challenged me to my core. I consider myself to be an Extrovert/Introvert, meaning I need people for periods of time but I also need alone time to reenergize. I am in a campground with my 22 foot home, completely alone. No dog for pets and comfort, no people to hug or chat with, no significant other, no children to entertain, just ME. It is HARD! There is no where to go and explore new places, go have a drink or lunch with new friends, even human touch when you are alone has a new look. People run from a hug or closeness instead of the warm embrace needed (I know it is necessary however). DAMN… what a world right now!

I am in an emotional turmoil with myself. I have lists of things I seem to never have time to do and suddenly I have all this time but zero desire to do them (but I am pushing myself to do most).

We need to look into our deepest self and decide how to fulfill our  own needs.

I spend a lot of time with nature right now and all the wildlife. I believe that even the critters around me are lonely and sense we are on a equality in this new strange world. We truly need each other.

I have been going through a lot lately. I have had to look at myself and I don’t always like what I see. I am changing, growing, learning and humbled in loneliness.  I have been told a few things that hurt my soul lately, yet has made me deeply look at myself in a new light.

Loneliness changes your needs. It makes you see things in truths. It makes you see who offers real action and who offers words. Words can always be words but actions are what the heart knows, feels and listens to. I am all about actions… it is my compass to understanding and feeling.

We build fears up in the isolation, desperate for comfort, desperate for connections, desperate for touch, desperate for actions, desperate for truth. This beautiful time of isolation forces us to feel more, see more, accept truths. We find our relationships will grow stronger or fall apart completely. We find the people in our lives are either reaching out to check on us, or leave us entirely empty. We understand that our children perhaps are not quite as perfect as we once thought haha,

We discover our lives in the quiet, our needs, our values, our fears, our love, our laziness, what we really true want and need to feel alive.

I have changed. I am seeing where I need work and where I thrive.

We are all connected in this world right now. Scientists from ALL over the world are uniting and working together to find cures, vaccination’s,  to stop this crazy virus! There has never been a time in history where the entire world is fighting for the same thing and working together!

Yet, we as humans are fighting for the basic essentials because we are afraid. Lonely. Bored. Confused. Some connecting at deeper levels, building closer relationships, showing each other they are THERE for each other and SAFE. Other’s drown and fight each other ,making the relationship show its limits of feeling safe.

It is a transformation within ourselves that will show where we need to work on ourselves, who we can trust, what our needs and desires are, how driven we are, how we are emotional equipped or not for a loneliness we have never endured before.  It is in the quiet that we grow the most. A life where we have not been able to slow down to appreciate or see within ourselves, is now forced on our souls.

This is a point in life we need to Stop, Love, Grow, Accept, Change, BE.

It is a gift!  I am challenged in what I have found in myself and will be rechecking within myself and make the necessary changes to be my personal best.

Let us all grow and surround ourselves with the love that is REAL, SAFE, COMFORTING! Friends, family, lover…. Whatever it may be… it is time to really look at our connections and appreciate the TRUTH of who is really our tribe of LOVE. Including loving OURSELF!!

BE SAFE, BE LOVED!

Love and Light my beautiful friends! Please be safe!

Nomadic soul seeker

CHANGE

Life without my little Shorty is hard to say the least. I have had tidal waves crash over me! I have had to adapt to being solely alone, which I knew would be hard but this is much harder than my brain allowed. I have however, decided to take charge of my life and open myself to experiences I was not able to do. For starters I am taking a cruise. I realized I need to move forward and clear some things and people out of my life that have been rather toxic to me. It is amazing how one major event in life transfers to other areas to open your eyes to what you are willing to endure.

I had an experience that really made me think, and I would like to share it with you all.

I am working as a camp host in a booth (taking an entry fee) for a county park in Florida, in exchange I get free rent in the beautiful park. I have hundreds of people go through my booth each day. The other day a man came through. He was so quiet and wouldn’t make eye contact. He had two child car seats in the back. I thought it was strange that he was so quiet because normally I can get everyone to talk… even for a split moment. This man was different; I felt it but did not connect it.

This beautiful human spent a bit of time in the park and then set up a chair in a little nook by the water. He watched the sunset, more than likely contemplating life as we all do. This man was different though; he gave up. After the sun hit the horizon, he took his life by holding a shotgun to his throat and pulled the trigger. He blew out the top of head. That was it. He chose to watch the sunset and quit.. Leaving his wife and children.

I can’t imagine what torment he was going through that would leave a human no other choice than to take their life. I can only imagine his struggles. This really affected me because perhaps I was the last person he spoke with. I didn’t get the chance to look in his eyes to see his pain that he carried. Oh how I wish I could have had the chance to climb into his heart and talk to him, even for a minute, and tell him we are here for him… things will get better. You see, I was in such a sad place myself and I understand how important it is to be seen in dark moments. I just wish….

I wish we as humans would stop being angry, stop being cruel, stop treating people like they are not worth love. I wish we would stop and realize that we do not know where each others breaking points are. That last act we inflict on one another could be the last moment they can carry. The weight we carry is HARD enough each day! Why do we lie? Why do we hide things? Why do we make choices that hurt people or take away their self-worth that many of us struggle to protect? As a society we must learn to open our hearts and treat EVERYONE with respect and with kid gloves. Life is hard enough! We don’t know what others are going through because we have learned to mask our sadness, fears and insecurities.  We smile and socialize while we are around people so we do not inconvenience them with our problems, make them feel uncomfortable by talking about our sadness. We hide that we are struggling so we are not judged. However, when we are alone…. We feel every single minute of our true emotions, ALONE.

Lets change this by paying attention! Stop and talk to a human that walks with their head down, compliment them, ask questions, show them how important they are in this life. It takes ONE SECOND to say a kind word! Maybe, just maybe… that one kind act can save a life. We just don’t know. I for one am a changed person. I pay more attention now to people. Yesterday another man went through my line. I asked him how he is doing in life. He slowly looked up at me, making eye contact. I saw pain. He didn’t say anything but I could SEE he was hurting. I simply responded… I am here if you would like to talk. I love you as a human. He then broke down and told me…. Life is hard, life is really hard right now. No one cares. I said loudly… I CARE!!!!! I AM HERE!!! I went out of the booth and hugged him and told him that I am here! That yes, life is HARD… but it is a minute right now. A minute we need to fight for ourselves! That as hard as the lows are, the highs compensate/balance the lows. We must always remember that the lows are there so we can appreciate the highs. That people (maybe not all people) are here to help, to listen, to share your pain. FIGHT!!! REACH OUT!! SHARE!!! Do NOT be silent! Do NOT quit! Life IS beautiful but we need to work for that beauty. WE NEED TO LOVE OURSELVES AND TREAT PEOPLE WITH LOVE!! We never know how one minute that we share love with another human will change their life!

This man, this beautiful human…. Was quitting. He came up on his way out of the park and hugged me again, and thanked me for seeing his pain. Showing compassion to him. Acknowledging that he was hurting when no one else has.  

IT WAS A MINUTE. ONE MINUTE that I happen to catch because I missed it in the poor man that actually took his life. The man that changed my life in order for me to open up again and get out of my own pain so that I could see… that others are hurting too.

WE ARE A TRIBE OF HUMANS, ALL TRYING TO SURVIVE THROUGH OUR OWN STORIES! LETS OPEN OUR EYES AND LOVE EACH OTHER! PAY ATTENTION TO EACH OTHER, SEE THE SMALLEST OF THINGS IN EACH OTHER… LOVE EACH OTHER AS A HUMAN, A TRIBE WE ALL ARE A PART OF! WE DO NOT KNOW WHEN WE ARE CHANGING THE PATH OF ANOTHER HUMAN!

JUST LOVE!!

I love you ALL! I am here! I will listen! You are NOT alone!!

Peace, Love and Light Friends!!

Nomadic Soul Seeker

Death: To take on life, you must take on death…

I have been writing but I just can’t seem to have enough courage to post my thoughts.  Today however, I need to vent.

Death:

so final, so silent, so painful.

I have never been good with death or goodbyes. I guess I just didn’t learn those skills or gain those tools or am missing that gene. I find death to be paralyzing. The fact that in one millisecond what you had is gone is just to much for me.

I lost my Shorty (pup) Monday morning. I know everyone is worried about me because he has been in my life for so long.  To be honest, I was worried about myself for the day he would go. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be super challenging. I knew he had a great life. I knew, I knew, I knew…. But I didn’t know. I knew NOTHING.

He was my person… my outlet to being happy. My drive to find things to do. My heart and soul.

He has been there for all the good and tough times for YEARS. I have been traveling with him for months now and because of his heart issues he was not suppose to have any stress. Therefore, I have taken him every single place… yes, I am that girl, he goes into stores with me, walks with me, restaurants with me, goes on dates with me and if the guy wasn’t ok with that well.. “ see ya” would be my response. He goes literally EVERYWHERE. He is never away from me…. Until now.

He has had heart issues for a couple years now and had a will to live like I have never seen in my life. He has a thirst for new scenery. He would watch sunrises and sunsets with me, he would crawl under the blankets and watch the tide come and go with me, he would kayak and paddleboard with me, he would hike with me, he would shake in fear and look to me for comfort in a storm or fireworks.  He HATED my messanger ding and crawl on my chest for comfort. He was my human, my companion. We were there for each other in every capcity to make it through life. He loved me like no other living creature on this planet. He was my best friend. He was in fact… my person.

Death is so strange. We hope there is another place they go to roam and be pain free and happy but we are left with such a giant whole that nothing in life will be the same. We grieve for our own loss and  sadness. We miss the impact that that person or furry friend has left us. We are forever changed.

I did know it was coming… I did. I hate that when people see me currently they see my pain and emptiness. I can feel them, not knowing what to say or do. So they say “ Well, you knew it was coming, he had such a great life” well yes, shit! I did know and I KNOW he had a great life… he was my person so naturally I would give and do anything for him. After all, he gave me comfort every single day, hugs when needed, kisses when needed, so much excitement to see me if I was only running into a store to grab coffee or gas… one would think I left for hours or days. Such pure love. YES, I knew it was coming… guess what?? That does NOT make it easier!!!

I knew it was coming: what I didn’t know was the complete and absolute emptiness I would endure. Yes, I knew it would be difficult, I am not ignorant. I did not realize however, that by having my fury love with me in every aspect of my life that I would have to do every single step new and alone. Every little tiny thing is a new step without him. I have sat and tried to put myself together, however I cant seem to do that very well currently.  People think I should be better. They say that most fucked up things. They cannot understand my pain. Oh they try and think they are helping but in all honesty. They don’t get it.

Shorty was my person, the only one I had to hold  (literally) on this journey when life was hard. Traveling alone trying to get to know your true self is harder than shit! I was lost when I left.  No one but Shorty truly knew what a mess I was. I was in a bad place in my soul. I pick assholes to date… very abusive ones. I have zero self esteem, I have even less than zero trust in the human race, I have what is called reactive detachment disorder. This is me. RAW. I love life, I love people… but I don’t connect to them like most of you. I listen, I laugh, I help where I can but I cant get close. Fear stops me. Fear of relying on someone. Fear of pain, fear of love, fear of abuse, fear of well you name it… fear stops me. I run. I leave. I quit. This friends… this is me. Everyone sees this happy person, full of life, full of courage… truth is, I am a wreck. I have been working on myself to find a better balance to live. Shorty was a huge part of this. He understood me. He was there for me. Now I find myself paralyzed. Lost. Alone.

Where does one go when your person who you could tell everything to and be comforted by the worst hurts in life is gone? I for some reason didn’t not prepare for that part. I took for granted how comforting he was for me. The one furry friend that knew me to my core… perhaps the only living creature on the planet that truly accepted me and loved me and KNEW ME. ..IS GONE. I knew it was coming, yes, but I didn’t plan for the fact that he was my companion, my comforter and now when I need him the most, he is gone and the absolute pain left …is intolerable. I am lost. Broken, alone. Paralyzed. People love me and want to help me, I know, but honestly… they cant. When you lose someone so vital to your existence, it is interesting how being around others actually makes it feel lonelier. I think because we have to hold all the pain in so we don’t look crazy or hysterical. We reject our emotions to spare the people around us. To protect them from feeling helpless. We don’t want to impinge on the people around us to bear witness to what is really transpiring in our soul. Loss is HARD. LONELY. DEHABILITAING.  

With every new step alone I have to tell myself to breathe, to take another step, that time will heal this. I will be okay, but I do believe death changes us in our core. No matter human or fur baby. Yes, I will be ok in time. I just am not ok currently. I am grieving. I am absorbing this incredible life change. I am GROWING. I am hurting and no one can help me but me. I am a mess.

I will continue my journey but it will be different. I will discover more about myself and how to conquer my fears, only it will be the next step… alone. I am strong, I have overcome a lot in life, so this too will be another step. I will be ready each day for a new adventure and lesson. I was lucky to experience the love of my little Shorty. I am grateful he taught me how to stop and watch the sunrise (right up to the very end). He will always be with me. I miss him terribly, but I will learn how to stand on my own. I just need to stop looking for his leash for our walks. I need to stop going to grab him in the middle of the night when I am cold or lonely. I need to stop looking for him to look up and see if I am seeing the beauty he was.

We can learn so much from dogs. They are so pure, so loving, so open and trusting, so forgiving, so in tune with our human emotions, so everything. The world is so nasty with politics, drugs, murders, social media instead of real conversations and experiences, etc.. so much anger, so much hatred, so much arguing. Why cant we see life like a dog does? Why cant we accept each other and be there to protect each other?

Through the eyes of Shorty… I have learned so much! I am forever grateful to have shared the companionship of my furry friend. I will be ok, I will be stronger, I will be a better human because of him… but right now… I will miss him and hysterically cry alone… I call it, giving him the time and love he gave me.

We can learn a lot from a dog. They change us. I chose to learn from my pain, because he was by far a better living creature than me. He wasn’t “just a dog”… so fuck those of you that feel this. He was my growth, my mentor to learn to love deeper and more freely. He was there, when no one else was. I love him.

Dogs…. are Gods way to allow us to learn and grow. Dog spelled backwards? GOD…. And my dog had Jesus on his butt lol so I was double blessed.

See, through a pets eyes and grow from them. It is a gift. It teaches us not only how to accept love but how to love. Why do all pet lovers say it is harder to lose a pet than a person? Think about that… are we our best? Are we listening? Are we present in peoples lives? Or does a pet offer your tribe of beautiful people more than you are. Something to ponder.

I will be ok…. But for now, I am not. I am missing my companion. I am missing my best friend. My heart.

I will be a better me because my fur baby showed me love, compassion, patience, true friendship. He was in absolute NO WAY “Just a dog”! He made me watch the sunset at the end of the day. He made me look at people differently and accept them. He made me a better human. I thank him with every ounce of my being for being such an influence on my life and my children’s life.

GROW, LOVE, CHANGE, BE YOUR BEST SELF… LOOK AT LIFE THROUGH A DOGS EYES…. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR HEART.

Peace, light and love friends. I love you.