Changing ME!

As I sit here quietly, pondering my life and all the decisions I have been faced with this year. Whether to return to where my family, travel more or take a chance at love and stay in one spot, I have realized how far I truly have come over my life journey. Yet, is it all meant to be? Are the decisions I have made truly part of the bigger picture? I have been lost for so long in life and who I am that I completely forgot to stop and really look at the paths that cross in front of me and really see the gifts that have been offered. 

I have been offered a chance to experience love, not a forever love, but true genuine love. Love of humans, love of travel, love of love. Just pure love and all that goes with it; fear, rejection, insecurities, happiness, comfort, friends, new sites and new beginning’s. 

Life is such a beautiful and hard adventure! Here I sit in the complete opposite lifestyle than I have had the passed two years. Sitting in a box with fake air and a mask for 8 ½ hours a day, walls not designed to enjoy the beauty of nature. Nowhere to run. Alone. Entirely alone. As I drove here, a song came on the radio, and it resonated so deep in my core. You see music is a story. We have our favorite songs because they are relatable to our current situations. The words either empower us, validate us or heal us. 

The song? Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. It goes like this…

I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken… I just want you to understand. Can’t fight the tears that aint coming, all the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies… ya just bleed to know your alive. And I don’t want the world to see me because I don’t think they’d understand. 

What a reality check for me! Here I am going against all that I believe that keeps me sane. I am going against the deepest part of my soul that makes me, my authentic true self. I am made to wonder! I am made to explore! I am made to be alone! 

Here is some truth about me, maybe you can relate? Perhaps. Maybe if you truly look within and just know…. It IS ok to be you! 

I have conformed so far away from myself this past year. I took a chance at love. I stopped traveling to see what love had to offer me at this point in my life. You see… I love all humans. I just don’t trust them with my heart. We live in a world where if we don’t like something, we replace it, throw it away. We don’t try to fix it, change our thinking, grow, learn from it… we just replace it. I often wonder how our older generation sees us. The generation that understands what it is like to go without, to have to fight battles together, to fight to stay together. Now, do NOT misunderstand… sometimes you need to let go for your own mental health. Emotional abuse and physical abuse are power! I believe more so today though than ever. 

I have been a nomadic person for as long as I can remember. I can talk myself out of, or into, everything and anything. I follow my heart, if it’s something I feel that feeds my soul…depending on how it is fed.  Yet I am always alone. You see I understand the words “I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think they’d understand”. I know I am different. I see life different, I feel different ( I feel everything), I see and feel energy around me. Some think I am crazy, others feel I am a gift. Neither are true. I am ME. I am different, we are all different. In a world that feels upside down… wearing masks, fearing sickness, coin shortages, shots being pushed in order to keep jobs, anger, so much anger, rights feeling violated, mental health exploding, so many job openings everywhere, drastic weather changes, the list can go on and on! It is hard to know how to navigate.

Maybe many of you have not wanted the world to see you because you felt no one would understand! In a way, the world did turn upside down and now we are begging, yearning, needing to be seen, feeling lost, afraid, unloved, replaceable, unheard! Did we conform to a world that allowed us to live outside our means and then have to work ourselves in a forever cycle of “catch up”, or maybe the price of housing and food, love (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) became impossible to attain because of the stresses among our everyday lives.! I honestly do not know.  I do not know when, why or how the world’s energy changed. I just know it has. I feel it! We are in a crisis of needs.

I for one, feel more disconnected to people than ever before. I feel lost, alone, trapped. I am in this world trying to find my tribe of people that see life the way I do. I have been afraid to be seen for who I truly am. Afraid of being judged, rejected, thought of as crazy, seen as over sensitive, to emotional, unlovable, to high of expectations, to open, to needy…. And on and on! I have been told /shown these words over and over which changed my perception of what is “Normal, Acceptable ”. I decided to hide who I am, not wanting the world to see me.

Guess what? SCREW THAT! 

No more hiding! No more allowing others to tell me how I “should” be, what I should feel, think or act like, no more listening to their harsh judgment! No more listening to their words of destruction to my soul. I am ME! I won’t hide anymore! I will walk proud of who I am! I will not allow those that cannot appreciate who I am, just as I am… to disrupt my life anymore… you simply will just not have the opportunity to be apart of my life journey. When I started this journey, I left everything to learn about myself and grow as a human. I have worked hard on becoming my best self (at this moment in time). To undo the very real and very destructive belief systems I have carried with me my entire life, through abuse. I am learning to trust myself! To LOVE myself!! To no longer allow abuse/fear tactics to control me and lead my life. I AM HERE TO GROW AND LOVE! If you are not… and cannot appreciate self-growth… then you may peak from the outside, however you may not hold a space to be in my life. That is reserved for my tribe. 

I am ready! I am sharing this in complete vulnerability, love, and respect. I don’t think I am alone. I am here….I am a tribe of one… for now.  I see you. I know you. I am here. You are not alone.

I DIDN’T want the world to see me, because I DIDN’T think they would understand. 

Now…. I understand…. I am me, I am LOVE. I am just fine! I am growing, learning and it is HARD… but I am ME. I am ENOUGH. 

I am learning…to be seen. 

Peace, Love and Light my beautiful friends, 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE… SHINE! 

Nomadic Soul Seeker