Death: To take on life, you must take on death…

I have been writing but I just can’t seem to have enough courage to post my thoughts.  Today however, I need to vent.

Death:

so final, so silent, so painful.

I have never been good with death or goodbyes. I guess I just didn’t learn those skills or gain those tools or am missing that gene. I find death to be paralyzing. The fact that in one millisecond what you had is gone is just to much for me.

I lost my Shorty (pup) Monday morning. I know everyone is worried about me because he has been in my life for so long.  To be honest, I was worried about myself for the day he would go. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be super challenging. I knew he had a great life. I knew, I knew, I knew…. But I didn’t know. I knew NOTHING.

He was my person… my outlet to being happy. My drive to find things to do. My heart and soul.

He has been there for all the good and tough times for YEARS. I have been traveling with him for months now and because of his heart issues he was not suppose to have any stress. Therefore, I have taken him every single place… yes, I am that girl, he goes into stores with me, walks with me, restaurants with me, goes on dates with me and if the guy wasn’t ok with that well.. “ see ya” would be my response. He goes literally EVERYWHERE. He is never away from me…. Until now.

He has had heart issues for a couple years now and had a will to live like I have never seen in my life. He has a thirst for new scenery. He would watch sunrises and sunsets with me, he would crawl under the blankets and watch the tide come and go with me, he would kayak and paddleboard with me, he would hike with me, he would shake in fear and look to me for comfort in a storm or fireworks.  He HATED my messanger ding and crawl on my chest for comfort. He was my human, my companion. We were there for each other in every capcity to make it through life. He loved me like no other living creature on this planet. He was my best friend. He was in fact… my person.

Death is so strange. We hope there is another place they go to roam and be pain free and happy but we are left with such a giant whole that nothing in life will be the same. We grieve for our own loss and  sadness. We miss the impact that that person or furry friend has left us. We are forever changed.

I did know it was coming… I did. I hate that when people see me currently they see my pain and emptiness. I can feel them, not knowing what to say or do. So they say “ Well, you knew it was coming, he had such a great life” well yes, shit! I did know and I KNOW he had a great life… he was my person so naturally I would give and do anything for him. After all, he gave me comfort every single day, hugs when needed, kisses when needed, so much excitement to see me if I was only running into a store to grab coffee or gas… one would think I left for hours or days. Such pure love. YES, I knew it was coming… guess what?? That does NOT make it easier!!!

I knew it was coming: what I didn’t know was the complete and absolute emptiness I would endure. Yes, I knew it would be difficult, I am not ignorant. I did not realize however, that by having my fury love with me in every aspect of my life that I would have to do every single step new and alone. Every little tiny thing is a new step without him. I have sat and tried to put myself together, however I cant seem to do that very well currently.  People think I should be better. They say that most fucked up things. They cannot understand my pain. Oh they try and think they are helping but in all honesty. They don’t get it.

Shorty was my person, the only one I had to hold  (literally) on this journey when life was hard. Traveling alone trying to get to know your true self is harder than shit! I was lost when I left.  No one but Shorty truly knew what a mess I was. I was in a bad place in my soul. I pick assholes to date… very abusive ones. I have zero self esteem, I have even less than zero trust in the human race, I have what is called reactive detachment disorder. This is me. RAW. I love life, I love people… but I don’t connect to them like most of you. I listen, I laugh, I help where I can but I cant get close. Fear stops me. Fear of relying on someone. Fear of pain, fear of love, fear of abuse, fear of well you name it… fear stops me. I run. I leave. I quit. This friends… this is me. Everyone sees this happy person, full of life, full of courage… truth is, I am a wreck. I have been working on myself to find a better balance to live. Shorty was a huge part of this. He understood me. He was there for me. Now I find myself paralyzed. Lost. Alone.

Where does one go when your person who you could tell everything to and be comforted by the worst hurts in life is gone? I for some reason didn’t not prepare for that part. I took for granted how comforting he was for me. The one furry friend that knew me to my core… perhaps the only living creature on the planet that truly accepted me and loved me and KNEW ME. ..IS GONE. I knew it was coming, yes, but I didn’t plan for the fact that he was my companion, my comforter and now when I need him the most, he is gone and the absolute pain left …is intolerable. I am lost. Broken, alone. Paralyzed. People love me and want to help me, I know, but honestly… they cant. When you lose someone so vital to your existence, it is interesting how being around others actually makes it feel lonelier. I think because we have to hold all the pain in so we don’t look crazy or hysterical. We reject our emotions to spare the people around us. To protect them from feeling helpless. We don’t want to impinge on the people around us to bear witness to what is really transpiring in our soul. Loss is HARD. LONELY. DEHABILITAING.  

With every new step alone I have to tell myself to breathe, to take another step, that time will heal this. I will be okay, but I do believe death changes us in our core. No matter human or fur baby. Yes, I will be ok in time. I just am not ok currently. I am grieving. I am absorbing this incredible life change. I am GROWING. I am hurting and no one can help me but me. I am a mess.

I will continue my journey but it will be different. I will discover more about myself and how to conquer my fears, only it will be the next step… alone. I am strong, I have overcome a lot in life, so this too will be another step. I will be ready each day for a new adventure and lesson. I was lucky to experience the love of my little Shorty. I am grateful he taught me how to stop and watch the sunrise (right up to the very end). He will always be with me. I miss him terribly, but I will learn how to stand on my own. I just need to stop looking for his leash for our walks. I need to stop going to grab him in the middle of the night when I am cold or lonely. I need to stop looking for him to look up and see if I am seeing the beauty he was.

We can learn so much from dogs. They are so pure, so loving, so open and trusting, so forgiving, so in tune with our human emotions, so everything. The world is so nasty with politics, drugs, murders, social media instead of real conversations and experiences, etc.. so much anger, so much hatred, so much arguing. Why cant we see life like a dog does? Why cant we accept each other and be there to protect each other?

Through the eyes of Shorty… I have learned so much! I am forever grateful to have shared the companionship of my furry friend. I will be ok, I will be stronger, I will be a better human because of him… but right now… I will miss him and hysterically cry alone… I call it, giving him the time and love he gave me.

We can learn a lot from a dog. They change us. I chose to learn from my pain, because he was by far a better living creature than me. He wasn’t “just a dog”… so fuck those of you that feel this. He was my growth, my mentor to learn to love deeper and more freely. He was there, when no one else was. I love him.

Dogs…. are Gods way to allow us to learn and grow. Dog spelled backwards? GOD…. And my dog had Jesus on his butt lol so I was double blessed.

See, through a pets eyes and grow from them. It is a gift. It teaches us not only how to accept love but how to love. Why do all pet lovers say it is harder to lose a pet than a person? Think about that… are we our best? Are we listening? Are we present in peoples lives? Or does a pet offer your tribe of beautiful people more than you are. Something to ponder.

I will be ok…. But for now, I am not. I am missing my companion. I am missing my best friend. My heart.

I will be a better me because my fur baby showed me love, compassion, patience, true friendship. He was in absolute NO WAY “Just a dog”! He made me watch the sunset at the end of the day. He made me look at people differently and accept them. He made me a better human. I thank him with every ounce of my being for being such an influence on my life and my children’s life.

GROW, LOVE, CHANGE, BE YOUR BEST SELF… LOOK AT LIFE THROUGH A DOGS EYES…. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR HEART.

Peace, light and love friends. I love you.