I gave you, my heart. I trusted you. I trusted you with my heart. That was where I went wrong.

I was at my lowest and you saw that. Like a predator. You pounced.

Trust and love must go hand in hand. The problem is, without boundaries you end up giving the person you love your entire soul. You change. You allow situations that you never would normally allow.

My soul, the core essence of who I am has been compromised by loving you. It is so sad that you can never see this, for you are different. You are you, as you always say. Yet, that you that you are… it a thorn. I have never met anyone that can have such disregard for another’s emotions.

It was like a game you played with me. A dangerous game that you were proud to win.

From the start you studied me. Letting me chat away telling you about who I am, my beliefs, my fears, my life. Little did I know that ALL this would someday come to haunt me. Make me question who I am, if I was good enough as a human, pretty enough, lovable.

You hid me from your friends and family, from random people in public anywhere close to where you go, blocked me from all social media so you could search for better, call me names like: crazy, insecure, a stalker, told me I should cover my body because no one should see it, a horrible lover, bitch, and sooooo much more. Yelling in my face, telling me to leave, that helping me never pays off. My gosh how much emotional and mental abuse can a human take!

No. I have never met anyone like you, and I pray I never do again.

You see, I allowed all this and more. You are the dark to my light. It was as if you needed to smudge my light out so I would never see who you really are.

The thing is… all masks do come off eventually. Mine finally did. The mask that I created to blind myself from who you really are.

To think I carried so much love for you and was a willing participant in this game you started with me. Telling me how you care and carry so much love for me. That we have had so many special moments. Saying good morning and good night every day. Sending pictures of yourself to keep me connected. Giving me hope, when in fact, you never had any intentions of making this work. Oh, what a willing participant I was in your abuse. All because of my own feelings for you and the constant manipulation you shoved on me.

When I left and asked if you were happy, you said your life hasn’t really changed. That you just want to start learning how to live your life again, I never realized what that truly meant. Collecting women on social media, reaching out just enough to keep me around. You wanted to be friends as you continuously searched for someone else. Ignoring my pleas as to what you were doing that was literally killing my soul. Never allowing me to share my feelings or emotions without the punishment of being blocked, ridiculed or ghosted. 

I have been gone a few months now. Left the most beautiful state I wanted to call home. It was so incredibly hard to leave. I didn’t want to. Somewhere though, I knew I had to leave in order to sever the silent abuse you inflict on me.

I didn’t have a choice anymore. Not at all. I was to lost.

Yet leaving has giving me the time I needed to see your true colors. Time to break the abuse cycle and reflect what really was happening.

The monster you truly are.

I thought you were special. Different. My person.

I was so lonely, lost and confused as to what was happening to me. It was the most  incredible painful slow death of me. You knew what you were doing. So careful with your words and actions. Giving just enough to keep the cord tied between us. Keeping me confused as to what we were and why you didn’t involve me in your life. Gaslighting me, hoovering me, throwing me in and out like a yo-yo, knowing just exactly how to get me back each and every time, simply because I trusted you wanted to know me. Yet, you were studying me on how to conquer me.

Destroy me.

Here is the thing….

I am awake now. I see you for who you are. There was never anything special between us. It was my love that made it special. A love that I never should have had. Not a love you should ever  have had access to.

So today, I let you go. I let all the insecurities you created, all the fears you were just fine with creating in me, all the jealousy you planted in my heart and soul, all the names you called me that I somehow believed, all the lies you told me that I wanted to believe, all the body shaming, all the hiding me away as you cheated. Today, they are gone.

Today, I see YOU. You are no one special. You are not a friend, for a friend would NEVER treat another person the way you treated me. Not a lover, for who would want to feel this way forever.

I know who you are now. I see you for exactly who you are.

You are you.

DARKNESS.

A lost soul.

Goodbye

Today… I claim my self love back.