As I reflect back at the last relationship (if you can even call it that ), I am in awe of what I did to myself. How did I allow myself to get so far off balance with an individual that was the absolute worst person for me? We had absolutely NOTHING in common, our own values and morales were entirely opposite and the respect and communication between us was off the chart absent! Yet I was completely all in. I lowered my standards of what I was looking for in a companion, which sent me spinning out of control in many toxic ways. I became a shell of the person I was. Insecure, fearful, always trying to prove my worth, I was changing everything about myself to “fit” into his world.
Now, over a year without him, as I reflect back, even though I had continuously reached out without a response, simply to find closure or understand what lead me to “chase” this man that clearly had zero love for me from the start. Let alone love for himself.
I began seeing a counselor many months ago because I knew I needed help in understanding why I was hoping to make something work that was 100% unworkable, nor was a healthy person to even have had in my life! In fact I wasn’t healthy for him either.
The constant lies he told all while I knew his truths. The truths he could never admit… even to himself. It was heartbreaking to watch and feel.
Throughout this process (which I still am seeing this Councelor) I have learned that I understood love wrong. That in my wiring and upbringing it was natural to have to earn love. The more I had to do, the more important it was to earn that person’s love.
My wiring and processing was completely out of tune to what was happening to me just being with this man.
He was nowhere near anyone I would have dated or found attractive, let alone a good fit …for who I am as a human. Yet my love for him was from my own heart and experiences. It was a connection of a love that was purely for him. I understood him in a way that was so much deeper than superficial love. So I chose to continue giving him my love. Sending him silly little handmade items that came from my heart. Somewhere hoping he could see that I wasn’t his enemy. Somehow hoping he could see himself and love himself like I did.
Throughout the discovery process with my Councelor we unpacked that I suffer from SEVERE CPTSD, which was amplified be this man. Which in turn sent me spiraling out of control in the need to be accepted.
The work is so extremely hard to do but as the clouds and weight of the process in understanding myself, my needs, my past traumas, my upbringing and more unfold… the reflection of why I was choosing this one individual began to become a guide to healing.
Slowly Uncovering the secret behind my own false sense of accepting love.
The fact that I continuously felt I must apologize for who I am, what I ask, what I do, how I think, how sharing my feelings was wrong, how being emotionally shattered by how he showed love one day and pushed me out the next and blamed me for every thought, feeling, action I had was unbelievably unbearable.
I was full on trauma bonded… like a drug addict to loving and caring about him as he slowly emotionally destroyed the core of my existence. I don’t think intentionally but nevertheless it was happening.
I wish at times I could go back to that very first meeting at the seafood shack in Maine and simply have seen him for exactly who he said he was, instead of this magical man I had been waiting my entire life to meet… I wish I simply would have walked away after that first meet and greet.
I didn’t though. Instead as time went on and the trauma bond became worse, like a thirst for his love I’d never experienced (except for my mother’s love), a love he wouldn’t and couldn’t ever give or receive … with me. A thirst to be accepted and loved by him. The bread crumbs were so real. The droplets of water offered in order to quench the ever growing thirst in my throat, that it was impossible to even swallow. The desire to be seen and understood and loved by him grew to such a toxic level within my own soul that it became impossible to even love myself. I was so lost in changing who I was in order to “fit” in his heart… that I couldn’t regulate my emotions, thoughts, feelings, knowledge. I simply couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t enough.
I reflect back with such embarrassment of who I became, yet understanding now that he was so toxic to my soul that I truly became a completely and entirely a different person. One of who, I most definitely never want to be again.
Through unpacking my childhood wounds and healing them with patience, kindness, forgiveness and love of self and compassion for not understanding what my own wiring of beliefs were, that absolutely were nothing short of wrong, when it came down to loving myself. I now hold myself to a higher standard. One in which I have the ability now to let go of anyone that doesn’t respect the woman I am. That can’t hold space for loving me “as I am”.
I still hold that love in every capacity for him, yet, the love has changed over time… I do care deeply for him as the stranger he has become, but we outgrew each other.
May he rest in peace with someone that is strong enough to break his own toxic cycle. As I heal from my own inherited toxic trauma.
My condolences to anyone that crosses his path and is fooled by his initial mask, because they will undoubtedly lose their way and become emotionally tortured by him. Simply because he cant see himself clear either and the ways he treats people. The constant lies and projection he creates so he doesn’t have to acknowledge he is his own worst enemy. The damage he causes others. His lack in understanding that everyone has work to do on themselves. His own lack of compassion and understanding and forgiveness. The fact he doesn’t want to change and heal so he is stuck in his own past traumas.
I’ve climbed out of those depths of hell he shackled me down with. Not without scars though, for they are now warrior scars! Survival of one’s own soul is not easy to bounce back from, yet when you fight for your own peace and freedom of old toxic beliefs…. There is most definitely an amazing beginning of a new journey that awaits. ❤️
Never EVER belief you need to fight for love, compassion, or have to ask for the smallest morsels of respect.
You are fighting with someone that can’t see themself right and when you do that… fight with them… to put a mirror in front of them…rest assured he will only combat you with hate and anger. He will never change. For your first sign will be, he will never see himself as the problem. He will never admit to the lies or way he treated you. You will never get an apology for he can’t acknowledge his done you wrong. Inevitably he feels YOU did HIM wrong. For he wears the ultimate mask… yet once unveiled… it will force you to dig deep into your own fears and insecurities that he unveiled for you to see. The demons of our own past unhealed trauma and pain.
That is the only reason you will be glad you crossed paths.
You will heal from everything you hold in your soul that has harmed you from the moment he is gone… simply because he forced you to look deep within yourself… you were living in his hell.
When you dance with anyone that doesn’t want to grow and change and learn from their mistakes, you will wake up a version of you… a version that was suffering immensely from past experiences…only to open the best, most beautiful version of YOU ❤️
Through the darkest depths of one’s inner pain held onto, only by your soul beliefs that you had to fight for such love….
You emerge into the person you were meant to be. The one full of self love. ❤️
I wish I had walked away that day in Maine after that first meeting at the seafood shack…
Yet I am positive our paths crossed so I would have the ultimate opportunity to burry the old beliefs I had of what love looks like.
I buried that deep love for him along with those old beliefs and all the lies he needed me to believe… not just about myself… but of himself as well. The ones he tells himself.
He will never be resurrected from that hell again for me. For he was the creation of his own hell. Once was enough, for I have learned where I didn’t and don’t belong and who doesn’t belong where I am. If one day he can show he has changed then perhaps we can be friends… yet I won’t wait any longer for him. For his journey is his… and only when he is ready to face his own demons will I be able to see him for the beautiful soul I once did. The lies are what kills him. The lies are what made me realize he is not someone I can share even a friendship with. I lost all trust and respect. Those damn lies and cheating.
Sometimes the most beautiful journey is the absolute hardest!
Peace, Love and Light Friends
Let 2025 be your peace and love journey in letting go of old belief systems created from pain that are no longer accurate for your journey of today ❤️
Nomadic Soul ❤️
Nomadic Soul Seeker 