I held so much love for you. I thought I was doing the right thing fighting for us. I imagine I appeared crazy to you for holding on so long even when you were searching for someone else and repeatedly telling me you didn’t want a relationship with me.

We had shared so much time and moments of laughter and moments that felt like love. We both kept trying to stay connected. I wasn’t alone in that. You reached out too.

I created an entire false scenario of us. You were always there when I needed you and you kept reaching out even when I was trying so hard to let you go when you asked me to leave.

I simply misread everything.

I never thought you would be completely gone. That you would ghost me, shut me out entirely. Hide everything about your life from me. I just couldn’t understand how easy it was for you to let me go.

My gosh it hurts. Yes. It STILL hurts.

I wasn’t equipped to handle that 3 years we fought to stay in each others lives was all for nothing.

I wasn’t in a place in life to deal with the reality that you just simply didn’t hold any love towards me. I just didn’t want to see that. I honestly don’t think I was capable of seeing that. Simply because I was so madly, deeply in love with you and for me… you fight for love, no matter what.

I know how rare love and connection is. I really thought we had something so special. I would never ever have fought so hard and long if I had understood what you really felt.

I know my actions felt like I was crazy stupid. How could they not feel that way. I made colossal mistakes in seeing your true feelings.

I am humbled and embarrassed and to be honest… terrified that I read things so wrong. So terrified in fact, I have lost all trust in myself in understanding who I thought you were. I question everything over the past years I fought for us.

Was I truly that blinded to what your heart felt towards me?

I allowed soooooo much pain in my heart and soul because of my love towards you. Only to find you felt nothing and could completely vanished in every single way from my life. Like I never existed. Just like that… you vanished.

I guess I should appreciate that you show me how little I am to you, but instead I am left completely heartbroken and now question if anything was real at all between us. I am left worse off than when I met you in being able to trust anyone. Something you could have helped me to understand but chose to leave me with your last words being…

“You are something else”.

It’s funny how one person can hold so much power over someone. That’s the problem with love… we give our heart to someone and expect them to treat it with kindness and trust so that we won’t be worse off than when we met.

It’s amazing how a conversation out of human kindness can leave good memories in tact and still let us move on, yet silence can leave us stuck questioning our own past and all the wonderful moments that felt so amazing. Changing memories and emotions we thought were real.

I know there is nothing I can do but accept things the way they are…

Yet just so you know…

You made it harder the way you did things. Harder on me. I just was looking for a kind goodbye to respect the time and energy and love I gave you.

I will never understand why you couldn’t just end it with me by saying…

We have a lot of memories together, some good and some bad. I want you to find the person that can love you the way you want to be loved. That just isn’t me. I care greatly but I need to say goodbye.

Would it hurt? Hell yes! Yet would it have been easier to let go? Absolutely!

Simply because it would have validated the effort and relationship we once had.

Remember… we are all in our own place in life, fighting our own demons.

We don’t need to be cruel and cause more damage to someone we need to let go… the ending is the hardest part.

It will always be hard to say goodbye, that is just how goodbyes are… HARD. Even if the relationship is stained and over. Why not at least make it a beautiful goodbye so the memories can remain.. the memories of why we took a chance at love to begin with.

So we can all still believe that taking a chance is worth it.

I just wanted to believe in love. That no matter what… the risk was worth it. Even if it didn’t work.

At least I believed.

I once truly believed you were different.

This is me… just Thinking Back.