Maine

It is time to really open up here, for myself. Many of you may wish to skip this particular blog because it will be long and not truly about my travels but more of who I am and where I am in my heart. Just a heads up.

Maine… hmmmm… I was not sure what Maine would bring me. I have been pulled to come here for years but truly knew nothing about it. I just knew this was where I needed to go. Maybe because it was the complete opposite side of the United States from where I lived? Maybe it was because of everywhere in-between that I would go and the people I would meet? I really have not figured this out. I do know this…

It was not what I expected at first. I had a sense of “shit, now I am here… now what?”. To be openly honest, I felt fear, big fear. Fear of an incomplete feeling, as if I had hit my destination and somehow the expectations (which I didn’t think I had) were not living up to what I thought I should be feeling, or perhaps where I thought I should be in thought when reflecting myself. I had this uneasy feeling that was consuming me. Restless. I have always loved lighthouses and what they represent. An obsession for me here. I have found lighthouses to be my own personal guide, as if they would lead me to where I need to be, yet not having a clue where that is. You see lighthouses guide, and warn, which makes them powerful and majestic ! I felt I was lost in a storm and they were guiding me here. Yet, being here I was feeling more lost than ever but in a completely different way than I was in Washington.

I have been learning so much about myself as I drive and explore. Meeting new wonderful people along the way, seeing the most beautiful scenery, and learning how to say goodbye without being a hot mess. You see, goodbyes have always been so hard for me. The closer I get to people the harder the goodbyes will be, so I tend to leave, run away in order to self preserve my heart. In the same sense, it works with places that feel comfortable. I seem to find it difficult to stay in one place for long. Those that know me know how many times I have moved, but I am not certain they ever questioned why that is. I am not certain I ever questioned the “why” myself. I just knew I was getting antsy for something new.

 I asked my dad once a few years ago, why I am so unsettled or nomadic, what’s wrong with me for not being able to settle down in one place?… his response; I think you have always been this way, since you were born. There is nothing wrong with you. Some people like the routines and others, like you, need the adventure. Both are a lifestyle and neither way is wrong.

I felt so validated by this, but also so different ( I remember secretly crying because I still felt so out of place in the world). I see everyone around me living their lives with constants in their world: people, homes, jobs, friends, knowing the area like a map in their minds, having a person (their person) to be with them through life. None of which I can grasp. I honestly do not know how to be in one place for any amount of time, be with one person for an extended time, stay in one place for any job for more than 5 year spurts. It is a crazy way to live and one I have embraced for whatever reason. I am realizing more and more that perhaps I have already found my place in this huge/tiny world. That there are lessons and growth that simply cannot be learned where I was because I had learned what I was meant to in that moment in time. You see, I am learning things on this journey that I had not really thought would be my take-away.

I am different, we are all different. My different is just a different way to live. I have learned to run from pain. To block it before it can get to me (or so I told myself this) and do soul harm because in my heart and soul I believe I have learned or have taken away what I was meant to from each person or place and it was time to continue the journey. I have learned to take myself to another adventure in order to hit restart. Right or wrong makes zero difference…. It truly is how I “life”. I have always felt I needed to conform to the lifestyles of others when in fact I was denying my own path of life and living. This journey has been an eye opener for me for sure! I go to all these new places and I stay at some for a day and others for days. I am listening to my heart and feeling my soul on this. I know when I am getting that antsy feeling that I have taken away or given to others what was meant from each place (lessons of life or heart) and it is time to move forward. The problem is, some places and people feel like home and I don’t want to leave, yet that feeling in me is overwhelming and I know that my journey is not even close to being over. I have this overwhelming feeling/need to go, as if there is unfinished business down the road. So with all this being said, I have learned that there really is nothing “wrong” with me at all. I am who I am and need to be true to that. That I may have to endure the sadness of leaving a place or people but the memories and friendships will forever be there. They are adding to who I am as a human, and I hope I am adding to them as well. I am learning that it is ok that I don’t conform to the way most people live, that I can’t change who I am in myself to make others happy. Honestly, I have tried to live my life the way I think I was suppose to by TRYING desperately to live a life that appears constant (grounded in once place, having a relationship, a house, a constant job for years in one place). I kept thinking something is wrong with me that I need to fix! Well here I am now… in Maine… telling anyone that wants to read this lol, that DAMMIT, I do NOT need to be fixed, that I am not broken! I am LIVING, I am living the life that I am meant to live currently in this moment in time for ME. I am being true to MYSELF and I am happy. Is it hard? HELL YES! Life is hard! Self-growth is hard! I still fight the reality that “ I may not understand your lifestyle anymore than you can understand mine” and I am okay with that as long as we accept and love each other for who we are, not for who we wish each other would be. That my friends, is the lighthouse effect! I believe that is what Maine was showing me. I needed the one place with more lighthouses than I have EVER seen to guide me to this complacent ( the literal meaning of this word’s Latin root is “ very pleased” but even though complacent people may seemed pleased with themselves, we are rarely pleased with them) place in my heart. That I am just fine living my life the way I NEED to in order to be fulfilled. We each have our own symbols for guiding us but the fear of being “different” stops us short in being our TRUE selves. I don’t want to live in guilt for not living life the way others do.

Perhaps we all need to find our own lighthouses and stop fearing what the rest of the world (even those closest to us) want us to be, and just be true to ourselves. That, I truly believe, is when we surround ourselves with who and what settles our souls and makes us feel alive.

All I know is ME, and all I can do is ME. I personally have this undeniable thirst for life and never want to live it in a way that others see I should live it based on what their fears tell them is a wrong way to live. That is a difficult and lonely way to live. That feels HARD for me. Maybe, just maybe, some of you can relate to this.

Find your lighthouse and let your fears guide you! We get ONE shot in THIS life to live our best life. This journey is ALL ABOUT fears and living. I have to personally continue being me to get the most out of my life. You do you!